The films reviewed here will be ranked by a specially trademarked symbol exclusive to flicksthatmakemesick: the popcorn barf bag! Here is how the system works:
Zero Bags: This means that you can enjoy the movie with your eyes wide open and your heart full of peace, because there is not a hand held camera anywhere in sight. This film is solid, static and totally safe. It’s like it has been projected on Mark Wahlberg’s abs.
One Bag: This is not a big deal. You might have to cover your eyes once or twice but you may not even notice if the film has enough going on to distract you. Go ahead and have the popcorn – you will not end up with your Orville Redenbacher coated in a light film of vomit.
Two Bags: This ranking is for the unexpected films that sneak up on you when you’ve let yourself get complacent. You’re totally immersed in Fair Game, admiring the way that Sean Penn disappears into a character, when all of a sudden they are at the dinner table and the camera is zooming around like a crazed bird getting ready to peck people’s eyes out. Why was that necessary in this movie?!!! I hate the Two Bag films the most, because they trick you into thinking you’re actually going to be able to sit through the whole thing.
Three Bags: Now you’re in the Retching Zone. This is for the ones start out bad and just keep getting worse. You can cover your eyes and try to follow just the dialogue, but frankly if you’re watching a film that features ballet or boxing, you’re going to want to see the dancing and the fighting. Not to mention Mark Wahlberg’s abs.
Four Bags: Don’t even bother. You will not make it through this film with your dignity or the cuffs of your friend’s pants intact. This is Bourne Supremacy territory, and believe me, Matt Damon will kick your ass every time.