Cave of Forgotten Dreams

“You are not the kind of guy who would be at a place like this at this time of the morning. But here you are, and you cannot say that the terrain is entirely unfamiliar, although the details are fuzzy.”*

This could happen to anyone. A few ceremonial drinks, a little white dust. It could be New York, 1984. Or Southern France, 32,000 years ago. Whatever. You duck in to get out of the rain, and the next thing you know you’re surrounded by bear skulls. The white powder is the only thing that makes sense. You grab a hunk of charcoal and begin to sketch. Continue reading “Cave of Forgotten Dreams”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

We could call this The Review That Does Not Count. Or 628 Words That Will Influence No One. Or She Who Must Not Be Shamed Into Writing Columns That Will Generate Hits. (Note to self: Put Daniel Radcliffe is sooo cute! in tags)

What I think of the final installment of Harry Potter movies doesn’t really matter, because this Hogwarts Express of a film is steaming its way toward movie history as the biggest box office hit of the year, and possibly this young century. The reviews have been superlative, and the marketing as overwhelming as the scream of a mandrake. If you were a fan of the other seven films, you were probably in line at midnight the day this one opened. If you read all the books, you had your social engagements cleared from the calendar so you could see the film at least three times this weekend. And if you didn’t have any knowledge of either of these pop culture phenomenons, you are not the kind of person who should be reading an obscure blog about movies that make you vomit, so just move along and let me get to it, okay? Continue reading “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II”

The Source Code/Transformers 3: The Chicago Smackdown

Hollywood must really hate Chicago. Maybe they’re jealous of the pizza or the fact that we had Oprah for all those years, but there was definitely some kind of an agenda when studio execs got together and decided to blow up the city not once, but twice. The results were The Source Code and Transformers III: Dark Side of the Moon. Michael Bay shut down Michigan Avenue last summer to bring his robot annihilation film to fruition. If he wanted major traffic arteries shut down, he should have been here in February; Lake Shore Drive was already kind of closed.

The Source Code blows up a train heading toward the city six or seven times. In a movie that cannot help but be compared to Groundhog Day, Jake Gyllenhaal must repeat the same eight minutes over and over again as he tries to figure out who is the terrorist who planted the train bomb and then headed to ChiTown with an even bigger one. I regret to tell you that not once in this movie does Jake take off his shirt, and really, what is the point of having him in the film if he’s going to remain fully clothed? Oh, Jake, like Heath said, I can’t quit you, but it isn’t your acting that makes me go to your films. The dirty bomb goes off in the one of the sequences, and we’re left with a fairly apocalyptic view of the city. Also, not a very reassuring feeling about ever getting on a Metra train again. Continue reading “The Source Code/Transformers 3: The Chicago Smackdown”

Independence Day

Hey! You think hanging out your flag for one day of the year makes you an American? You think stuffing your face with barbecued burgers and ice cold beer is gonna make you free? You think shooting off your thumb along with the bottle rocket shows that you love your country?!! Oh, hail no. A real American would ignore the gorgeous sunshine, forget the awesome mattress sales and settle down for a viewing of the greatest disaster film in the history of all disaster films. I’m sure you can find it playing on some channel – it’s kind of like A Christmas Story only they show it in July. So ignore the parades and skip the fireworks – you’ll find every bit of patriotism and goosebumps you’ll ever need as you watch Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum serve the greatest fictional president in the history of all fictional presidents. I speak of course, of President Thomas J. Whitmore, played by either Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton. I always get those two guys mixed up.

“And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:
“We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We’re going to live on!
We’re going to survive!”
Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!

Barf Bag Rating: Who cares? It’s the Fourth of July! Man up and celebrate! A little puking isn’t going to hurt anyone. Jeez, what a bunch of wimps.