Hey! You think hanging out your flag for one day of the year makes you an American? You think stuffing your face with barbecued burgers and ice cold beer is gonna make you free? You think shooting off your thumb along with the bottle rocket shows that you love your country?!! Oh, hail no. A real American would ignore the gorgeous sunshine, forget the awesome mattress sales and settle down for a viewing of the greatest disaster film in the history of all disaster films. I’m sure you can find it playing on some channel – it’s kind of like A Christmas Story only they show it in July. So ignore the parades and skip the fireworks – you’ll find every bit of patriotism and goosebumps you’ll ever need as you watch Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum serve the greatest fictional president in the history of all fictional presidents. I speak of course, of President Thomas J. Whitmore, played by either Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton. I always get those two guys mixed up.
“And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice:
“We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We’re going to live on!
We’re going to survive!”
Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!
Barf Bag Rating: Who cares? It’s the Fourth of July! Man up and celebrate! A little puking isn’t going to hurt anyone. Jeez, what a bunch of wimps.