Paranormal Activity 3

I took this one for the team. No, no, you don’t have to thank me; I was pretty sure it would turn out this way, but sometimes a selfless act is required. You know the whole “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” thing? Spock was right … it’s true. It’s how I live; it’s just the way I roll. And in the words of Super Chicken, I knew the job was dangerous when I took it.

But I had to do it for you. We’ve all grown complacent for the past few months, getting fat on greasy popcorn because we haven’t had to worry about digestion issues. We’ve suffered through the eye strain of 3D together throughout the summer, but pretty much forgotten about the scourge of the dreaded shaky-cam. I was actually beginning to believe that cinematographers had grown tired of hoisting the damn thing up on their shoulders and were veering toward more traditional methods. I started to contemplate writing a blog that focused on something more relevant, such as tracking the number of times someone on a reality show says “Game on!”

But here comes a film that proves that you need me, you really need me! And I’m not going to bother with plot points, acting critiques or wet-your-pants-scariness ratings, because none of that matters. I have only one comment on this film: DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE! For the love of God, stay away from this one at all costs. If you want to make sure those Snickers mini bars you’ve been eating out of the Halloween bowl stay put, do not go anywhere near this film. This is beyond Bourne Supremacy nausea – this is full metal projectile vomiting at it’s most potent, along with a headache that lasted literally for five hours. And I only stayed in the theatre for about 15 minutes; I can just imagine what would have happened if I had been tied to a chair with my eyes wired open like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange.

I knew I wasn’t going to like Paranormal Activity 3 even if it had been a one-take medium shot with a camera held in place with a bike lock. I hate scary movies, and my initial instinct was to veer off toward Puss in Boots, because who doesn’t love Antonio Banderas as a kitty? Even if it was in 3D and made me cough up a hairball, it still would have been better than this. But the truth matters; it sets us free and without truth, we may accidentally wander into theaters showing movies that will cause us to embarrass ourselves in front of our dates.

It turns out I couldn’t handle the truth, and I bolted before anything really scary even happened. From the look on my face, people in the lobby must have thought the movie was truly terrifying, but it had more to do with the fact that the bathroom was all the way on the other side of the theater.

So Happy Halloween, y’all, from flicksthatmakemesick!

Barf Bag Rating: FOUR BAGS!

2 thoughts on “Paranormal Activity 3

  1. Definitely better than the second one and even though it’s a little bit of the same thing around again, it still is totally freaky and has so many chilling moments that will stay in your mind forever. Good review.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s