The Patented flicks Ranking Systems


The Barf Bag Rating System has been put in storage, waiting for the day that Paul Greengrass decides to go back to his old habits. Let us hope the bags were washed out very well before they were put away.

The new ranking system will feature The Popcorn Kernels of Truth:
• One Kernel means you may as well watch The Great British Baking Show because this movie is not worth your time. 
• Two Kernels indicates the film was moderately entertaining 
• Three Kernels means this movie was pretty great
• One Perfect Popped Corn means you should drop everything because this film will change your life.

There are also New Categories that films can be sorted into:

FlicksThatYouShouldPick—this label is reserved for my very favorite movies. Some reviews may fit into more than one category, such as a favorite that may have been seen on Netflix, or possibly have Richard Gere in it, or is maybe porn.

FlicksIWatchedOnNetflix—as we all hesitantly try to slide back into movie theaters, we continue to watch a lot of first run movies on TV. This category is very broad but does not include reviews of The Great British Baking Show, even thought that is what I mostly watch on Netflix.

FlicksWithGuysNamedRick—a limited category, because there are not a lot of actors named Rick these days (see above).

FlicksThatHaveADick —could be a movie that is incredibly misogynistic; or is maybe porn.

FlicksIWantToLick—a sub-category that is totally random depending upon whether or not it has someone I find hot in it. This does not affect the quality of the film and is an editorial choice that may apply only to me. YMMV.

& Then . . .

flicksthatmakemesick began as my response to the hand held camera mania that many film director were using in the early days of the new millennium. The Barf Bag Ranking System was invented to inform queasy movie-goers whether they would be able to make it through an entire film with the contents of their popcorn bucket intact in their tummies.

Zero Bags: This means that you can enjoy the movie with your eyes wide open and your heart full of peace, because there is not a hand held camera anywhere in sight. This film is solid, static and totally safe. It’s like it has been projected on Mark Wahlberg’s abs.

One Bag: This is not a big deal. You might have to cover your eyes once or twice but you may not even notice if the film has enough going on to distract you. Go ahead and have the popcorn—you will not end up with your Orville Redenbacher coated in a light film of vomit.

Two Bags: This ranking is for the unexpected films that sneak up on you when you’ve let yourself get complacent. You’re totally immersed in Fair Game, admiring the way that Sean Penn disappears into a character, when all of a sudden they are at the dinner table and the camera is zooming around like a crazed bird getting ready to peck people’s eyes out. Why was that necessary in this movie?!!! I hate the Two Bag films the most, because they trick you into thinking you’re actually going to be able to sit through the whole thing.

Three Bags: Now you’re in the Retching Zone. This is for the ones start out bad and just keep getting worse. You can cover your eyes and try to follow just the dialogue, but frankly if you’re watching a film that features ballet or boxing, you’re going to want to see the dancing and the fighting. Not to mention Mark Wahlberg’s abs.

Four Bags: Don’t even bother. You will not make it through this film with your dignity or the cuffs of your friend’s pants intact. This is Bourne Supremacy territory, and believe me, Matt Damon will kick your ass every time.