Back in my wilder days, I went to a party and drank an entire bottle of Cold Duck. Those of you not fortunate enough to have experienced this delectable drink should know that it is based on a traditional German custom of mixing together all the dregs left in unfinished wine bottles with a little champagne, shaking it up and screwing on a metal top. So just that recipe lets you know that this is a really fine wine. And as the perfect savory pairing with this spectacular nectar, chosen with the flourish of a Charlie Trotter sommalier, I also ate a bag of Cheetos. Delicious as this combination was, I started to feel just a bit woozy, and stood up gracefully from the lounge chair I was splayed out on to make my way indoors to the powder room. Unbeknownst to me, someone had installed a sliding glass door right between me and the inside of the house. I walked directly into the glass and bounced off of it, leaving in my wake a trail of colorful chum sliding down the once transparent surface that was as awesome as it was disgusting. I know this all happened because it was described to me, in Technicolor detail, by a former friend of mine.

I share this incident because it perfectly illustrates my reaction to Ted. I know I had a good time at this movie but I can’t remember anything about it. I saw it weeks ago in a film frenzy of a weekend that included Magic Mike, Brave and The Amazing Spiderman, and they’ve all started to run together in my head. I know there is a talking bear involved that may have been created by a Scottish princess who was mad at her mother. And Mark Wahlberg was in it but he quite definitely was NOT a male stripper, which in my opinion is a real shame. And there was a super hero that was either Spiderman or the Flash or Flash Gordon, or somebody in tights, although that might have been Mila Kunis.

All you really have to know about this movie is that it was written and voiced by Seth MacFarlane, so if you think Family Guy is funny, you’re going to love this. I wish I could tell you the basic plot but it is just gone from the place I keep important information. I know the teddy bear sounded exactly like Peter Griffin, and pushed the jokes to the point where you thought “he is not going to go there,” but then he did but it didn’t matter because it was hysterical. The one thing I do remember finding amazing was that it was consistently funny throughout the movie, and didn’t run out of steam as Family Guy occasionally does. So if you’re looking for a good time, go see this movie. And if you’re looking for a real movie critic, try another blog.

Barf Bag Rating: ZERO BAGS
Party Rating: FOUR BAGS

2 thoughts on “Ted

  1. My favorite scene in Ted was when he was imitating Boston women having sex. Just a dumb movie but good entertainment. I agree they should have thrown in a little “Date Night” and let Mark take his shirt off once or twice!

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